Rage

After weeks of loving humanity, the earth and all it encompasses, being a happy and positive person, doing good deeds and generally being a cheerleader around the house I have fallen into bitter, female hormonal rage.   Over the years I have come to recognize the signs of an impending need to stock up on feminine products and rage is one of the first signs.
Rather than fight my inner rage, I have always believed it is best to maintain a healthy distance from humanity and just be angry.  I recall a zen thing from who knows where:  "When the ordinary man understands, he becomes a sage.  When the sage understands, he becomes an ordinary man."  I am going to be an ordinary woman for a few days and that is fine and well and part of being alive (but I still long for menopause so I can leave the nonsense behind).  In the meantime, I should just stay away from any situation requiring me to be civil.
I try really hard not to take out my hormonal indescrepencies on those near and dear.  Instead I tend to take it out on myself.  All of my positive thinking that everything will turn out well is gone (for the moment) and I am in full self-blaming mode.  Hindsight is a glorious thing if the present is rosy.  The present is less than rosy and I only have myself to blame.  (Intellectually I know that all of this is temporary but now that I have imbibed a bottle of wine I just feel like putting it down for posterity.)
I know I should have started looking for work when I moved to Olympia.  I didn't.  I wanted some time off to recover from my last job (which was all consuming and I lived onsite 24 hours a day for 7 years).  I'm happy for the time I took but pissed off that I am now broke and looking for work is desperate.  Had I looked for a job and been working I would have more than enough to escape for parts unknown.  The peaceful part of me says I am in the situation I should be in.  I have created this reality for a reason.  The enraged hormonal part of me wants to kick the peaceful part's ass.
Today I made the mistake of trying to apply for jobs online.  I will remember the experience long after my hormones have brought my brain back to normal.  As desperate as I am for some income, I know that after today I will be so wary of looking for work that I will spend the next few days hiding under a blanket on the sofa and daring Paul to ask me what's wrong.  There are basic problems with the world economy and online hiring practices are the canary in the coal mine for the future job market.  I had visited businesses (door-to-door) and met and been introduced to very nice people in places I probably wouldn't hate to work but after talking to managers and meeting potential co-workers and being shown around  I was directed to "the website."  I will not go into a rant at this juncture, suffice it to say the whole process is a lot of nonsense.  Further, I will put a positive spin on it and say that anyone who hasn't hired me as yet is just so much less fortunate for not knowing what a hard worker I am.  How can "the website" possibly rate that?  I actually had an application today ask me what my GPA was in high school!  Thirty years later I really can't recall something so completely insignificant and so impertinent to adult work life.  I dare them to look it up!  (Jokes on them:  We didn't have computer records back then!!)