Spiritual Distance



 Wow!  My last post elicited a huge response from family and friends (I had no idea how many were even reading this blog).  Most people want me to keep being positive.  (I did say my negativity was hormonal and temporary...)  One benefactor (who wishes to remain anonymous) has even offered to help out in a bigger way until I can get a job.  (I told him that with that attitude he may have me, dog and cat sleeping on his floor before long.)  I just need to say emphatically that my friends rock!  They are supportive and loving.  They can be my biggest fans and harshest critics.  No matter how stupid or short sighted I am they are always there to help me up and tell me how stupid and short sighted I'm being.  It never matters how much time passes until we see or talk, I can always depend on them.  I hope that I live up to their example and can be as good a friend to them as they have been to me.

Now, obviously I have a talent for picking friends.  I don't know how I managed to get so lucky in that department when I have so little ability to choose boyfriends.  When I told Paul about how supportive my friends were he told me that was their job.  He's right, of course, but I would expect my boyfriend to be a friend as well (it's in the job title...).  My hormonal retrospection leaves me scratching my head over my relationship.  I don't want to talk bad about Paul, he's just on a completely different path.

I am willing to take responsibility for moving to Olympia.  I wanted so desperately to get out of my old situation that I leaped at the opportunity.  Olympia was never a place I would have chosen if I had been making the decision on my own.  Personally I would have taken my money and gone someplace warm and sunny.  This is all hindsight and the present is what logically concerns me.  Since moving in with Paul (and I mean beginning the day I actually moved in) he has told me that he is miserable and doesn't want to be with me, has told me that we should move to California, has entertained the idea of us going to Guatemala, has disappeared for a week, has told me he wants to move out and live alone again, has pestered me about us moving into a trailer or RV and heading down the coast to eventually settle in Southern California.  In short, he has confused the hell out of me.  Whenever I think I know where this is headed he changes the game.  He told me at one point he was just pretending to tolerate me (and dog and cat).  The man should be on stage!  He's a hell of a good actor.

Following our most recent conversation I have decided that I need to stop listening to him.  I need to make my own path. 

This time spent in Olympia has served to remind me what it's like to have a boyfriend (it had been 10 years since the last one).  While it can be supportive and loving it can also be lonely.  (At least when I was alone I wasn't being ignored or neglected.)  It has taken me away from my friends but has also made my friendships stronger.  

The Olympia sojourn has given me time to sit back and think about what I really want out of my life.  What I want is good friends (which I have), an uncomplicated life (which I can aim for) and a warm, sunny beach (and I know where to get that).

 

 

 “As you proceed through life, following your own path, birds will shit on you. Don't bother to brush it off.

Getting a comedic view of your situation gives you spiritual distance.
Having a sense of humor saves you.”
― Joseph Campbell